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Diane Stevens Counselling

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Is it ok to be in a couple and live separately?


Here I am wondering, just wondering it is ok to be in a couple and live separately? I suppose it goes against all we have been taught in the western world but relationships and traditions are changing so much and so quickly that when you drive into your fifties we are not sure whether its ok or not ok to do anything! If we are ‘courting’ it’s old fashioned, if I call him my boyfriend its cringy, my lovely best friend still calls it ‘a bit of passion’ you know that thing you do when no one’s around. So when I say i’m in a relationship but we don’t live together and probably have no intention to is it acceptable? What does it mean?

Some will say that if you don’t live together then there’s no commitment, if you truly love one another then you will want to be together, live your lives together, experience as much as you can together. I get that but can’t you do that from different addresses?

I’m not sure if this works if children are involved, it would surely cause an imbalance but maybe when we are thinking of relationships after children, you know the second time around.

From my experience, and I’m not saying everyone I meet, but couples that have been together for a long time, whether married or not, have a different view of relationships than those who are ‘newer’ to the relationship game.  I’m not sure whether they see living separately as an option it’s either you are together or you’re not, you know ‘you’re in or you’re out!’ Some trundle through working out how to accept certain behaviours, (you know the ones you loved and called ‘cute’ when you first met but after a few months started to get on your nerves). Everyone I know has at some point said to the other ‘shall we move in together? Make it official – or shall we get married? I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone say “shall we be together forever but live in separate houses? I’m sure some of you will find it funny, or as a ‘cop out’ but think about it – you wont have to put up with those habits that creep into the relationship after you’ve made the commitment, you can still have you’re own space, you can chose to be alone or meet with friends or have a ‘date night’.  You can still have you’re sleep overs but you also know they will go home at some point. You can slob out on the sofa without feeling guilty that there are things to do, lay in, eat wherever/whatever you want, its endless, you only have yourself to please. Then when you get together you can still use your ‘special behaviours’ to keep them interested, you know the one’s you use on the first dates, compliment each other, make the best of the quality time and talk. You don’t have to listen to them ‘nagging’ but be more understanding of each other and help each other through difficult times without moaning going on forever or you feeling responsible to make it right.

How does it sound?  Of course there might be sacrifices to be made, nothing will be on tap and…well let me know if you think of something! Just joking, there are lots of lovely things to be said about sharing your life with that special someone it’s just if those lovely things are spoilt by being together all of the time, for all of those years, is it worth it just so that we are seen to be following tradition? Your own space is so important and if you struggle to get it living with someone you might just have a better more rewarding relationship if you are not together all of the time. You have the best of both worlds, choosing when you want to be together and cherishing the time when you are.

Just an alternative,today’s world opens us up to so many options.

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